My page...

I say it loud;
I say it clear.
You don't answer;
Do you hear?

Do you care?
Can you see?
Why isn't it all
Like it use to be?

Its all there
Written in bold.
My story, my page.
I've already told.

Will you read it
With careful eyes?
Or quicky skim
Thinking it lies.

Some can read it,
But very few.
Some know the language
Not too many do.

Others learn it.
They care alot.
They try and try,
And don't smoke pot.

Between the lines,
Its hidden there.
Story after story,
with just a prayer.

Screams and shouts
Come out as well.
All depends
On where you dwell.

Dreams and secrets
Are all written out.
Subject to change,
By the One who life's about.

I want to share,
I want to shout.
Why do I care?
Why do I doubt?

If you choose
Not to listen,
Not to read,
Not to glisten.

What then
Will I lose?
Its my page
I get to choose.

If you treat
My page like dirt,
I'll do something mean
And it will hurt.

So I choose once more to:
Say it loud
And say it clear.
In my language
For all to hear.

Lampshade

Once a month
you come so bright,
shining down
giving sight.

You look so free,
so careless;
completely yourself.

No constraints for you;
you do your thing
every month
it never changes.

But why just once
in 30 days;
tell me now.

When you come
I choose to complain;
change you, make you
what I want.

Not yours but mine,
your existence
I counteract with complaints.

I cannot change
what I've not created;
cannot become
what I am not.

Nor can you
change who you are
or what you do.

I envy you;
You don't care
what I want you to do;
You do as you were created.

You aren't bothered
by my complaints;
why is that?

You don't care
I want to restrict you;
You still do as you want.

You brush off that I
have you figured out;
I know when you come and go.

I know what to expect
from you,
and you think thats ok.

I want to be more like you....

Another Ending

Its my last day here at camp, and, yes, I'm sad. But this summer has definitely served its purpose in my life. Heres just a portion of what I've learned this summer:

1>> Sometimes you have to put aside your personal feelings and thoughts for the betterment of a group or ministry. (This is often tough to do.)

2>> God is always training us for greater tasks ahead of us. Hard times= Intense training.

3>> Whenever you've wronged someone, confront them and tell them and let those involved know you were in the wrong.

4>> Show the same grace and mercy you've been shown. (Seems impossible to do when you've been wronged.)

5>> Make sure to keep your integrity in tact through all things.

6>> Our problems and frustrations are only as big as we make them. Its what we focus on that takes precedence over everything. Focus on the good. No matter how small or insignificant something good may seem, let that overpower the crummy stuff going on.

Throughout the summer I was certain I wouldn't be returning next summer; however, that is not the case anymore. Sometimes when everything seems to be going bad and you feel like you're wasting part of your life, its the little things that just naturally happen that makes it all worth it. The small things you don't even notice until someone else, someone outside the picture, points it out to you. A friendship formed, a hug from a camper, an amazing volunteer, thats what makes it all ok. Thats what can turn one of your worst summers ever into one of the best....well, a really good summer. :) God has once again proven His sovereignty to me.

Apathy....ugh...

Sorry there hasn't been any recent posts...but fear not! The time has come for another therapeutic release.

This summer I've turned apathetic. Lately my phrase to many things has been "Sorry boutcha." Why is that I wonder? I mean, what happened that made me stop caring so much? I have a camp shirt that states "Kill Apathy" yet being here at camp has somehow made me apathetic. Ironic, I know. I'm not apathetic towards everything, let that be known. But this is becoming a challenge for me, to care more than I do. I mean, heres what I was thinking about earlier today (forgive me for using a Christianity cliche.): What if when Jesus was getting ready to be crucified He'd said, "Sorry boutcha y'all, but I don't care what happens to you. I'm not going through all that for y'all. No way." Thats totally not what He thought. He cared. I need to care. Period.

Great day!

You know how every once in awhile you have those days that are just so great? Like nothing exceptionally special happens, its just a good, good day. And at the end of the day you just can't stop smiling. Perhaps, as in my case, you just spend the day catching up with some old friends. Or you've completed a project you've been working on. Or anything really. But it just makes you so happy. I'm thankful for the simple, joyous days like today!

Story time!

Once upon a time there was a bird that lived in a peaceful forest. This bird knew everyone in his wing of the forest, and it was cheerful place to live. All the birds in North Wing would sing together everyday. After their morning medly they'd hunt food together and parade around the sky simply enjoying each others company. However, as the bird grew he began to feel very restricted with the other birds in North Wing. He felt as though they thought they knew him better than he knew himself and would tell him what to do, and he didn't like that. So the bird, always wanting to travel and meet other birds, moved to Center Park forest. The bird quickly felt at home in the new forest and made many great friends to sing and fly with. But shortly after his move, the bird started feeling the same confinements as in North Wing. The bird felt like he was in a cage everwhere he went. The other birds had their own expectations for how he was to sing and with whom he was to fly with. He couldn't understand why it mattered how he sang as long as he sang or who he flew with as long as he flew. Feeling like no one understood him, one Sunday afternoon the bird decided to take a long flight alone to think about these things. Why did it matter how he sang? Why was he created to sing, for that matter? Why did birds have to fly? Why did they have wings? Why did the other birds care what he did? Deep in thought, he began to notice he was no longer flying in the forest. When he looked down he saw people walking anywhere they choose. They were free to walk wherever they wanted with whomever they wanted. They didn't have the worries of singing the right song or flying with the right birds. With a long sigh the bird whispered to himself, "Oh, that I had the feet of a human I'd walk away and be at peace!"



Psalm 55:6 "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest"

Choices

So I've been realizing lately how everything we do is OUR choice. (Perhaps I've been realizing it because its only come up like a million times in the last few days.) But really. I mean, I know that I always come up with excuses for things. If theres something I didn't do, I justify it. (and I'm not saying that not everything isn't justifiable, because I don't think thats the truth.--yes I do realize I have a double negative...just pretend you're reading it in Spanish and it'll all be alright.) But lets say I'm late for work in the kitchen (as I was this morning). Why was I late? Because I CHOSE to push snooze on my alarm when I knew that I needed more than 8 min to get read. It was my choice. And something else I've realized is that these choices that I make are usually ALL ABOUT MYSELF. In the case this morning, it was because I wanted to sleep some more. Yep, thats it. It was because I thought thats what I needed. Another example: I've chose to do other things than spend time with God. I've chose to go to bed (after being online for an hour or so) rather than read His Word. I've chose to do many other things during my afternoon break rather than spend time with Him. I've chose to spend time pondering on things that don't matter rather than praying to the only One who does matter. All of these I've chosen because at the time, thats what I thought was best for me.

Heres the question that echos in my head: Did Jesus not think it would be better for Him to not die on a cross? (yes, another double negative) Because He had the choice. He could have chose to think about Himself and decided to not go through all of the pain, shame, embarrassment, torcher, and suffering and just told God no, He didn't want to do it. He could have easily done that. But He didn't. He chose to think about me and every other person. The Son of God put aside Himself to focus on those in need, those who were dying. He knew that what He thought was not what was best. So what did He do about it? He did what He knew God wanted. He made that choice.

So what am I going to do? What choice am I going to make? I know that right now, I need need need to go dig into God's Word (my heart is dry). What choices am I going to make? Every choice we make affects who we are and who we are becoming. What kind of person do I want to be? I need to remember that I don't know whats best for me. Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."